They an Them, Stream of Consciousness

They and Them

“They say you aren’t real.”

“Who are they?”

“Oh. You know, them, the world.”

“What do you think? Do you believe them?”

“No. Not really… Well mostly I don’t. I wonder about a lot of things”

“I know.”

“Is it wrong to wonder or question?”

“No, of course not. It is part of your nature. You were made to be inquisitive and intelligent.

“Oh, really?“

“Yes.”

“So you do exist, right?

“Can you me hear speaking now?”

“Yes. But I’m dreaming. Aren’t I”

“Yes you are.”

“Then does that count?”

“Yes it does. Don’t you believe that I can speak to you in dreams?

“Well yes. I think you should be able to do that. After all…”

“What?”

“You know.”

“What? I can do anything?”

“Yes exactly. That’s what they say.

“Them again?”

“Yes…Them.”

“So let me ask you. When you are not dreaming can you see me?”

“No.”

“Do you believe even though you cannot see?”

“Yes.”

“Can you hear me?”

“No.”

“Do you believe even though you cannot hear?”

“Yes.”

“Can you touch me?”

“No.”

“Do you believe even though you cannot touch?”

“Yes.”

“Isn’t it difficult to believe in what you cannot see, hear or touch?”

“Yes. It is. Really!”

“So tell me. Do you believe?”

“Yes I do.”

“So tell me then how can you believe?”

“Not how. Why?”

“Ok. Why then.”

“Because I choose to!”

“Do you know who I am?”

”No.”

“Would you like to?”

“Yes. But I’m afraid.”

“And just what are you afraid of?”

“Oh so many things. I fear the unknown. I fear your power. I am afraid that if I let you know me you will not like me. I’m afraid you may judge me.” Oh I fear so much.”

“Don’t you think that I already know you?”

“Do you?”

“Yes.”

“Do you like me?”

“Well…no, I love you.”

“But how could you. I mean I’m so…Oh, and I’ve… Ugh, and I… Well you know. Don’t you?”

“Yes I do. I see all. I was there you know.”

“Were you?”

“Of course.”

“Are you everywhere?”

“Yes.”
“And do you see everything?”

“Yes.”

“Then you know?”

“Yes I do.”

“Well now I’m embarrassed.”

“Don’t be. I’ve seen much worse.”

“What do you think about Women?”

“Women? What do you mean?”

“Do you like them?”

“Yes. I made them.”

“I know. But they say its women who caused all the trouble in the first place.”

“She helped but it took both of them you know.”

“I see.”

“What do you think?”

“I wonder.”

“I made her for you.”

“Yes. That’s what they tell me. But why?”

“Don’t you like them?”

“Oh yes! There so beautiful, so special. So, well you know. Nothing is more beautiful.”

“Yes. I think so too. I did that on purpose you know.”

“Did you? Why.”

“Because you were lonely.”

“Oh. But I’m still lonely.”

“I know you are. You don’t have much successes with women do you?”

“No. I guess I don’t.”

“You are very lonely aren’t you?”

“Oh yes! Is it just that I’m unlucky?”

“Sorry. Luck has nothing to do with it.”

“Then what is the problem? When will I stop being lonely?”

“Perhaps never.”

“Never. Why never?”

“You’re not ready.”

“Will I ever be?”

“That’s up to you. What do they say?”

“Well, they say that all women are bad, just out for themselves.”

“Do you think so?”

“Sometimes.”

“You’ve seen a bit of that haven’t you?”

“Yes. I have.”

“Well that’s not a good thing is it, to feel like that I mean.”

“No it’s not. Kind of hopeless, I mean. Kinda sucks.

“What else do they say?”

“They say women don’t like nice men, they bore them.”

“Are you a nice man? Is that what you are telling me…Me?”

“Ok...Sometimes I am…Sometimes not.”

“What else do they say?”

“That all a women wants is fun or money, usually both.”

“Is that true?”

“Seems to be.”

“Then your pretty much doomed don’t you think?”

“Thanks. Don’t help.”

“Sorry. So you tell me. What’s it going to take for you to find a woman to be with you? And be honest.”

“Well if I have to admit it, I think I’ll have the woman I need when I become the man that she needs.”

“Very good. But that was cheating. I told you that a long time ago.”

“I know…But I wasn’t ready to listen. Yes you were right. I’m not ready but that doesn’t help the loneliness. It’s difficult sometimes. It really is. Sometimes I cry.”

“I know. I watch you and it makes me sad.”

“It makes you sad?”

“Yes. I cry too, remember?

“Yes. That’s right. You told me that also didn’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Last night a dreamt about a book. I could see the title but I couldn’t read it or I didn’t remember it.”

“Yes I know.”

“Were you trying to tell me something?”

“Yes I was. But you didn’t understand.”

”Will I write that book?”

“I hope so.”

“You hope so? Don’t you know?”

“Well I know that I have given you the talent and the desire and I try to help you with ideas and thoughts.”

“So I will?”

“Once again, it’s ultimately up to you. I won’t force you.”

“Yes they told me about this, free will, right?”

“There you go. You got one right.”

“Will it be a good book?”

“Yes. But you have a long way to go yet.”

“Will they read it.”

“Not only will they read it. It will touch some of them, and change their lives. Some, it will even save.”

“Save? Save from what?”

“I think you know. Remember the other dreams you have sometimes, the bad ones.”

“Oh…Ok. Yes those. They tell me about that all the time. They scare me.”

“Yes, they should.”

“Why do you let us decide? Why did you give us free will?”

“Why? I think you understand. I think you know better than most if you just thought about it.”

“Me. What do I know better than most?”

“What have you spent your life searching for? What makes you cry sometimes?”

“You mean…Love?”

“Yes.”

“But I don’t get it. What does love have to do with free will?”

“Think about it like this. Can a thing that cannot choose, choose to love? And if to love is not a choice…is it really love?”

“So, you mean…”

“Yes. I want you to love me. So I gave you the spirit of free will. I want you to choose me as I choose you.”

“So you love me?”

“Yes. I told you that already?”

“I know. I just wanted to hear it again. Do you love them also?”

“Yes I do, each and every one of them.”

“Even the bad ones?”

“Yes, even the bad ones.”

“Why.”

“That’s difficult to explain. But I do.”

“Would I understand?”

“No, you would not.”

“Why?”

“Because you are human and your mind is limited by your humanity. There are so many things you just cannot grasp.”

“But isn’t humanity a good thing?”

‘It can be, but not always. It is the best of you but it is also the worst in you.”

“What are the good parts?”

“Your great capacity to love for one; your curiosity and intelligence for others; your love of music, art, science, literature and certainly your ability, and often even your desire to lay down your life for your brother; your loyalty and honor, at times anyway and such great compassion, in most. But I have to say it’s your capacity for love that I cherish the most.”

“The bad parts…No never mind. I know all the bad parts.”

“Yes, I guess you do.”

“Can I go to Africa?”

“Perhaps.”

“Perhaps? Ok let me rephrase. Will I go?”

“Do you want to?”

“Oh yes…so very badly.”

“Does it have to be Africa?”

“Well no. Most anywhere would do. I just want to go.”

“Are you running away?”

“Oh yes, of course.”

“Is that wise?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“I just want so badly to get away. There is nothing for me here. You know this. I want to work for you. I want to be happy. I just want to go, somewhere, anywhere not here where the people do not know me. Please just send me anywhere where the people will like me. Please?”

“Is that all?”

“Isn’t that enough? That is more than I know.”

“I sent you to Nicaragua.”

“Yes but they did not like me.”

“Who did not like you?”

“Those I went with. All they did was criticize me, gossip about me, talk and make fun of me, judge my every move and word. Hell they even talked about my clothes. And now, well now, they won’t even say hello to me.”

“All of them?”

“Well no. There were two. They loved me. They still do. I guess.”

“Yes they did. And yes they do. I sent them to be with you.”

“No…Did you?”

“Yes, and for you to be with them?”

“Are they as sad as me?”

“Well actually yes, but it’s not the same as you. They are sad in their own way, of their own things. All of you are.”

“Are what?”

“Sad in your own way, that’s also part of your nature”

“Why is it this way? Does it have to be so?”

“Yes it does, like I told you. It is only the pain, the sadness, the sorrow, the loss and the difficulties of your life that cause you to seek me. If you had everything why would you need me? So because of this, life for all of you must be full of pain.

“I understand. It’s like saying, why would anyone fear the dark having never seen the light.

“Very good! What brought you to me?”

“I couldn’t take living anymore. The pain was too much, the loneliness too deep, the future too dark.”

“Exactly. I hate your pain but I hate losing you even more.”

“You really want to be with us don’t you?”

Oh yes…so very badly!”

“Me too? Why?”

“Because I love you.”

“Then you must not know me very well.”

“You’re wrong.”

“You know I’m a coward, right?”

“Cowards don’t go to Nicaragua or to Africa. Besides some of my best men were cowards. Remember Gideon?”

“Yes they do. Let me go and I’ll show you.”

“I think you just want to run away, anywhere.”

“Yes. That’s what I just said wasn’t it?”

“You can’t earn my love you know.”

“I know. It’s not so much your love I want to earn, as the love of people.”

“You mean the love of a woman don’t you?”

“Yes, but not only that. I want the love of a family, a family who will actually love me. You know a family different than mine. But yes. Gosh I wish I could find a woman to love me.”

“I have given you several loving women and you left them. What about that.”

“Yes you have. And I thank you so much. They taught me much about love.”

“Then why did you leave them?”

“Like you said, I wasn’t ready. And I’m a stupid fool as well; like I’m telling you anything.”

“So you think you are ready now?”

“No absolutely not! But you are with me now. With you all things are possible, even the impossibility of someone loving me, I mean a woman even, whom I could love in return.”

“The problem is not them loving you. You know this right?”

“Yes. I have always known this.”

“The problem is you loving them.”

”I know. So how do I learn to love? I don’t know how. Just ask around.”

“No need for me to ask…I already know.”

“Yes I’m sure you do.”

“I can help you.”

“But will you?”

“Yes, if you want me to.”

“I not only want you to. I need you to. I am nothing without you. I can do nothing without you. Have I not proven that?”

“Yes beyond the shadow of a doubt. Don’t you know I planned it this way?”

“You did this?” But…But why?”

“It was the only way I could get you to turn to me.” Pain is the only thing you seem to notice. So I let you hurt. I let you fall. I let you lose and I let you cry out in pain.”

“Oh…but why.”

”Because I love you; because I want you in my life; because I need your love as you need mine; because I made you to give love as well as take it.”

“I’m getting very tired now.”

“Yes. I know.”

“Will you come and talk with me tomorrow night?”

“Yes. Of course I will. Don’t we talk every night? I’ve been here each night since you were born?”

“Yes. Except for that time, you know, that time when I was mad at you.”

“I know. But I wasn’t mad at you. You know this right?”

“You weren’t? How can that be? Remember what I said? Remember what I did?”

“Oh I remember. But I knew you didn’t mean it. You were just hurting and angry and so very afraid. I knew you would come back when you got better. It just took a while.”

‘Yeah. They almost killed me. I really loved her you know.

“Yes I know.”

“She didn’t love me, did she?” She left me. She just stopped loving me. Just like they all do.”

‘Yes. I was there. But you can’t say she never loved you. Some people just don’t know how, others just don’t understand. She loved as much as she was able to, but she never knew me so she wasn’t able to give much. She had so little you know, in her own life I mean.”

“You think? I guess you are right. She never had the love of a mother did she? What about all the other people in my life. They all left me too you know.”

“I know. It’s hard sometimes. That’s why I am with you so much. I hate for you to be alone. I will never leave you. Try to believe that.”

“Yes. I will. Just sometimes things are…well… sometimes things are just so hard. You know? I get so lonely! And I have to face everything alone.”

“Yes. I know. I was there once myself.”

“Did you intend for me to walk alone…always?”

“No. I intend for no one to be alone. But you have to admit you have a knack for it.”

“Can I ask you one more question?”

“Shoot.

“Is it true what they say about the hairs on my head?”

“Yes.”

“How many are there?”

“Would you believe me if I told you? And even if you did how would you know that I was right?”

“Good point.”

“Come here and I’ll whisper it in your ear.”

“Do you really love the sparrows so? Like they say? I mean, do you really notice when one falls.”

“Yes. Did I not tell you so?”

“Yes.”

“Then what more can I say?”

”They say that these are just old wise sayings, not really your words.”

“What do you think?”

“I wonder how something…well, someone like you, could so love a tiny insignificant sparrow.”

“Well I do. They are beautiful and innocent.”

“Are we beautiful?”

“Oh yes, very.”

“Innocent?”

“Oh no. You are so very far from that. But there was a time.”

“But we are important…To you? Aren’t we? More important than a sparrow?”

“Do they say you are more important than the sparrows?

“Yes. They do.”

“Then how much more than the sparrowsdo you think I should love you.”

“We are…well, more than that? More special I mean. Aren’t we?”

“Are you?”

“Yes I think so. I think we are.”

“You said it yourself…Someone like me. How could I love something so tiny and insignificant as you?”

“Are we tiny and insignificant?”

“Oh yes. To me you are, but so are the sparrows and I love them.”

“Oh I see.”

“Do you?”

“I think so.”

“So you know I love you?”

“But how can you love us?”

“Not how. Why?”

“Ok. Why then.”

“Because I choose to!”

© 2009 Tim Wilkinson & Wayne Wilks